Posted: Friday, October 9, 2009 | |

How do I begin? Probably not like that, but there it is and well, here we are, begun. I'm stuck on a loop, cyberspace comrades, I'm stuck on a strange, faded technicolor time loop where things keep cycling back at me in new disguises. Clever ones, but I am cleverer. The Eagles Hotel California, the couple next to me on the metro. The steps along this route and which follow one another automaton style while alternately weighing me down like a bag of bricks. Clunk clunk pavement. Everything is simple. Everything is complicated. Yes, no, right, wrong, it did, it didn't, it will, it won't. I get this, I don't.

Is it possible to feel so confused so long after the fact? Of an event, that is, of a moment, a happening, a phantasm, a disreality that accidentally meandered into this reality. The latter being the one we hope for. Then I could be a confused young girl again, oh look at bambi run but it all works out, because the facts and realities remain confusing yes, but not, definitely not, confused.

But there is no good way to go about confronting such a collision of thought-it-was-and no-it-wasn'ts without threatening for a collapse. Of more than just structure, but of very bases. This post makes no sense. Because I'm scared. I can't sleep much anymore. Or at all. And on top of the natural aversion to soup every day from this broken jaw, I have developed a dislike for eating in general (it all tastes the same and I'm fucking too tired). And yet I have to keep getting on this ride, that carnivale, where everything smacks me in the face and everything reminds me of anything and the anything happens to scare scare scare me to death.

We began, we end, on the same misleading note; pandemonium.


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